Ultrasound and updates

On Monday we had an ultrasound and we were VERY lucky that we got to find out the gender of the baby =] My sister in law, Beth, went with me and it was actually pretty funny, because one minute we thought that the baby was a boy, then we thought that it was a girl lol but when the ultrasound tech went to go and see the gender, our precious lil one had it's legs wide open and you could tell that there were no boy parts lol so yep, we are having a GIRL!!! Miss. Cheyanne Elizabeth!! I was so excited when I found out that we were expecting a little girl. I wish that Neil could have been there for the ultrasound, but he had to go to work. But I did surprise him when I went to pick him up from work. Before I dropped my sister in law off I stopped at the store and picked up a cake and had them write "It's A Girl" on it. When I saw him come out to the truck, I got out and surprised him with the cake! He was so nervous all day that day because he just kept thinking that we were going to have another boy lol He was so excited when I told him that we were having a little girl.

I can honestly say that I have seriously been blessed. I have PCOS and was told that I wouldn't be able to ever have kids. I have been pregnant a total of 5 times, I would have a total of 5 kids right now and be pregnant with #6. God has blessed me though with 3 amazing boys and a precious lil princess on the way. Matthew was supposed to be a twin, but I lost the twin really early on in the pregnancy, so I had no clue that he was supposed to be a twin until I actually went into labor with him. Right before I got pregnant with Cheyanne, I found out in August 2011 that I got pregnant and lost the baby at 5 weeks. Dealing with cysts seriously suck! I hate having to deal with them all the time. Usually when I get pregnant I usually have to deal with the cyst for about half of my pregnancy and then they start to go away. But when I am just on a regular cycle, then things are just crazy. I can get one to two cysts on top of one another and sometimes they will both burst, or one will burst or they will both just go away on their own, it just really depends.

I'm A Survivor and so much more

So this is something that I haven't really talked about with a lot of people and because of everything that has happened to me, I will admit that I suffer from anxiety. From the ages of 4 to 26 I was abused in 3 different ways. From the ages of 4 to 13 sexually abused by my babysitters/neighbors son and my FEMALE cousin. Up until I was 18 and my parents divorced I was a victim of child abuse by my father. From ages 18 to 26 I was a victim of Domestic Violence from my father and my ex boyfriend. My dad used to beat on my mom on almost a daily bases. When I was 16 I started standing up for my mom and my two younger brothers and started fighting back against my dad. Yes I got my swings in and I broke his nose one time as well as gave him a black eye, but I also got hit in the mean time. I am no longer the type of person to sit back and take abuse. A lot of you may be wondering why I took the abuse for so long. The physical abuse from my dad finally stopped once I broke his nose for a 3rd time and the abuse turned to MORE mental, verbal and emotional abuse. The things that he would say to me, I honestly started to believe them for awhile. I thought that I was nothing, that I would never amount to anything. Then I got pregnant with my oldest son and that's when I put my foot down. When he would start dishing it out to me, I would shoot it right back out to him. That of course still didn't stop him from being that way towards me, but I tried not to let it get to me and if it did, I tried my hardest to make it not show. Things with my ex started off as ok, but he would still do the whole verbal and emotional abuse with me, the physical abuse didn't start until like a week before I left his stupid ass. The only reason I didn't fight back the times that he did it in front of the kids, is because I honestly didn't want my kids to see their mom beating on their dad, it was bad enough that they had to see their dad to it to their mom. When he would abuse me when the kids were not around, you better believe that I fought back and things were not pretty. I finally went and got a restraining order against him for domestic violence and he was not allowed within a 1000 feet of me or the kids. A lot of people have asked me if I ever turned to drugs or anything like that to help cope with this kind of stuff (working in 2 Mental Health facilities I would see that happen a lot), truth is, I have NEVER turned to any kind of drug or even drinking for that matter to help deal with everything that has happened to me in my life. My life was torn apart all those years, why would I want to continue to tear it apart by doing something so stupid like that. God has seriously blessed me with an amazing little family now. I have been married to a great guy for 5 years now, we have been together for 5 1/2 years now, we have been friends for about 10 years now. Together him and I have 3 amazing little boys with another little one due in December of this year. If it honestly wasn't for my two older sons (they are the ones that I had with my ex) I honestly don't know how my life would have turned out. It's because of them that I have a straight head and I think about them before I ever do anything stupid. I learned how to cope with all of this stuff. Yes I will admit that I still have flashbacks of all of this happening. I went through 4 years of counseling and it helped, but I knew that I couldn't keep going, I HAD to learn how to deal with this on my own and that is when I turned to writing in a journal. There are days that I can write anywhere between 10-20 pages an entry, because there will just be that much going on in my head and being able to write it all down helps me out so much.

Life Lately

So lately things have just been so beyond the word crazy!! We are still in and out of the ER due to contractions. On the 4th of July we went to the ER because I started to bleed and through out the day the bleeding picked up and so did the contractions. Well Neil didn't want to risk anything, so we left my friends house and headed straight to the ER. By that time the bleeding stopped, but contractions kept coming and they were stronger. They gave me a shot of morphine and sent me home with some pain meds, after they did a bunch of tests and an ultrasound. So a few days go by and the bleeding starts to pick back up again, there is this feeling of fluid leaking out of me, I had a bloody mucous discharge (like my mucous plug came out), contractions started to pick up and with each contraction I seriously wanted to push like I was in actual labor. So they gave me IV fluids, pain meds, and anti-nausea meds. I had to have 3 doses of pain meds and anti-nausea meds because everything was that strong. They did a pap, ultrasound, blood work, and urine sample. I guess when they did the pap (and sorry if this is TMI to my readers) there was a lot of white discharge, like I had a yeast infection. So the dr, Neil and I were thinking "okay, I have a yeast infection and that is the reason why I am contracting". Nope, the pap cultures all came back normal, there is no yeast infection, not even a start of a yeast infection. So they did a mini cath and took a clean urine sample, thinking that maybe I have another UTI, nope, no UTI. During the ultrasound, I ended up having 3 contractions in the 5 mins that she had me back there doing the ultrasound. I used to have a cyst that was on my left ovary and it's no longer there, but it was there on the 4th when we went in. So the dr is thinking that the cyst burst and that is what was causing the bleeding and the fluid leaking out, but it won't cause me to have contractions. So we know for SURE that the cyst is gone and that I am in FACT in preterm labor. The only problem with me going into preterm labor is, they can't give me any meds to stop the contractions until 24 weeks...so I have about 9 more weeks until they can finally give me something to stop the contractions. Until then they have me on vicodin to help with the pain and trust me I know all about preterm labor, I went into preterm labor with Matthew at 30 weeks and was in and out of the hospital from 30 weeks to 38 weeks, sometimes multiple times a day to get them to stop the contractions. With Aidan I started preterm labor at 17 weeks, only it wasn't as bad as Matthew's was or this baby.

So things between Neil and I were kind of up and down, but since all this stuff with the baby has been happening, we have started getting a lot closer now. We are talking about things more and he is starting to get more into the pregnancy. I don't know what it is really, but I noticed that it took him awhile to even put his hand on my stomach, then the morning of the 5th (when we were heading home from the ER), I told him that I realized that he doesn't talk to the baby like he did with Aidan. When I was pregnant with Aidan he was always talking to him and with this one, he doesn't do it that much. It kind of makes me upset sometimes. When we are laying in bed or I am doing something, he will come up behind me, put his hands on my stomach and ask how his babies are doing (meaning the baby and I) =] which I just love when he does that, but I wish that he would get more into the pregnancy. I think that once he is able to feel the baby move, he may get into it more, I just wish that he was already that into it ya know?

What can I say about my 3 boys lol they sure do keep me busy and going all the time. Matthew is becoming such a big help to me now. He knows how many problems that I have been having with this pregnancy, so he has been right there helping me out with anything that I need help with. I can't believe that he is going to be 10 years old in September and then Jackson is going to be 7 years old in October and Aidan is going to be 5 years old in November, then we are going to be introducing a new lil one to the family in December. I am actually glad that there is a bit of an age difference between Aidan and the baby, it will make things a little bit easier, which will be nice. =] Well I better get going, gotta get some things ready for tomorrow, Neil and I are going to a car show with his 68 Cougar =] I will post some pictures from that tomorrow or Monday. Catch you all later =]