So this is something that I haven't really talked about with a lot of people and because of everything that has happened to me, I will admit that I suffer from anxiety. From the ages of 4 to 26 I was abused in 3 different ways. From the ages of 4 to 13 sexually abused by my babysitters/neighbors son and my FEMALE cousin. Up until I was 18 and my parents divorced I was a victim of child abuse by my father. From ages 18 to 26 I was a victim of Domestic Violence from my father and my ex boyfriend. My dad used to beat on my mom on almost a daily bases. When I was 16 I started standing up for my mom and my two younger brothers and started fighting back against my dad. Yes I got my swings in and I broke his nose one time as well as gave him a black eye, but I also got hit in the mean time. I am no longer the type of person to sit back and take abuse. A lot of you may be wondering why I took the abuse for so long. The physical abuse from my dad finally stopped once I broke his nose for a 3rd time and the abuse turned to MORE mental, verbal and emotional abuse. The things that he would say to me, I honestly started to believe them for awhile. I thought that I was nothing, that I would never amount to anything. Then I got pregnant with my oldest son and that's when I put my foot down. When he would start dishing it out to me, I would shoot it right back out to him. That of course still didn't stop him from being that way towards me, but I tried not to let it get to me and if it did, I tried my hardest to make it not show. Things with my ex started off as ok, but he would still do the whole verbal and emotional abuse with me, the physical abuse didn't start until like a week before I left his stupid ass. The only reason I didn't fight back the times that he did it in front of the kids, is because I honestly didn't want my kids to see their mom beating on their dad, it was bad enough that they had to see their dad to it to their mom. When he would abuse me when the kids were not around, you better believe that I fought back and things were not pretty. I finally went and got a restraining order against him for domestic violence and he was not allowed within a 1000 feet of me or the kids. A lot of people have asked me if I ever turned to drugs or anything like that to help cope with this kind of stuff (working in 2 Mental Health facilities I would see that happen a lot), truth is, I have NEVER turned to any kind of drug or even drinking for that matter to help deal with everything that has happened to me in my life. My life was torn apart all those years, why would I want to continue to tear it apart by doing something so stupid like that. God has seriously blessed me with an amazing little family now. I have been married to a great guy for 5 years now, we have been together for 5 1/2 years now, we have been friends for about 10 years now. Together him and I have 3 amazing little boys with another little one due in December of this year. If it honestly wasn't for my two older sons (they are the ones that I had with my ex) I honestly don't know how my life would have turned out. It's because of them that I have a straight head and I think about them before I ever do anything stupid. I learned how to cope with all of this stuff. Yes I will admit that I still have flashbacks of all of this happening. I went through 4 years of counseling and it helped, but I knew that I couldn't keep going, I HAD to learn how to deal with this on my own and that is when I turned to writing in a journal. There are days that I can write anywhere between 10-20 pages an entry, because there will just be that much going on in my head and being able to write it all down helps me out so much.
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